This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
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*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful