This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
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A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.