This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
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Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Phonetics
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.