Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
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The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
If a snake ate a cake
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights