This guy must be getting annoyed by now
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I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them