This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
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Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”