@_Mo_lee_: This guy next to me thinks I'm flirting, but really I'm just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
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@AimeeHelene1: *rolls grocery cart into open house* Ooh what a lovely lamp! *puts it in cart* An iPad! *crosses iPad off shopping list* *puts it in cart*
@kelkulus: A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
@bytaylorcox: A "lady" and a "woman" are exactly the same thing unless they are prefaced with cat.
@KindOfASmartass: If I don't make some serious changes to my life, they'll never let me into the gates of heaven. So who can teach me how to pick a lock?