This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
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[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I鈥檝e kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
philosophical skeletons be like
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Sorry, ma鈥檃m. I鈥檓 a solid 4 1/2. You鈥檙e an 8. You鈥檙e out of my league.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
There…fixed it 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I feel like maybe I shouldn鈥檛 have eaten that last taco 馃
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I鈥檓 gonna need you to try.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.