This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
You Might Also Like
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
I’m good, thanks.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you