cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
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Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
meanwhile over on facebook
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
This cat wants you to take your pills
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.