(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
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I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.