This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
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DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go