How do dragons blow out candles?
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beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.