#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
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When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I remember when things only cost an arm.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.