Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
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Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
No, I don’t think I will.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.