@orny_xo: This guy thinks I'm taking down his number, but I'm really just writing this tweet.
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@LackOfShame: Nothing's sadder than the look on my dog's face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
@ImKevinito: I wish cops cared about me wearing a condom as much as they care about me wearing a seat belt.
@Tups13: Eating Doritos and watching Judge Judy in my underpants. Whoa! Dude! Why is Judge Judy in my house? And why is she wearing my underpants??