@orny_xo: This guy thinks I'm taking down his number, but I'm really just writing this tweet.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@AndyAsAdjective: Boss, I can't come in today. Got a bad case of- *puts hand over phone* -what was it again? Daughter: Boogeritis. *to phone* It's Boogeritis.
@ScottLinnen: Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn't break.
@WAYNES_O: When the mosquito landed on my face, it was one of the easier decisions of the day for my wife.
@jonnysun: EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!! SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented