@orny_xo: This guy thinks I'm taking down his number, but I'm really just writing this tweet.
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@SteveDutzy: Zelda: Why aren't you mowing the lawn? Link: It's raining Z: No it's not L: *Plays Song of Storms* Z: You're sleeping with Epona tonight
@yonewt: In the movies, anyone can hotwire a car in 10 seconds. In real life, it takes me 20 minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental.
@SouthrnPinUpMom: Moms get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum...
@GuyThe_Guy: I didn't want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife's pillows should get the point across that I don't appreciate the way she spoke to me