I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
You Might Also Like
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates