Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
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Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
May have had one breakfast too many
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”