This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
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Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Shower sex be like:
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.