this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
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If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.