this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
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wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Okay, I’m still confused…
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
is this a warning or an offer?