‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
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Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one