@celestinelea90: This guy's shirt said 'blink if you want me' and now my eyes are watering and I need to close them but ohmygod you guys I DO NOT WANT HIM
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@pauleggleston: Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob* Wife: What are these? Me: The synonym rolls you asked for. Wife: CINNAMON.
@Tresca69: You can't trust anyone you meet online I went on a date with a guy I met online last week and stole $250 from him
@_ElvishPresley_: ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole? HER: I asked if you were a "people" person ME: ohhh...definitely not
@SondraDeeMe: [party] ME: You're out of shrimp. HOST: That was fast. I'll get more. BF: Where are your manners? ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.