This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
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My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?