This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
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Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.