This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
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My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.