For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
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well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.