A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
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Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.