Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
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[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.