My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
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Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
This will teach them to underestimate me
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her