Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
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“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.