My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
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Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?