@tumblrstorytime: this has become my life
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@P1ssed_K1d: Woman at drive-thru just called me "honey." Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
@TheToddWilliams: MOM: What did you learn at summer camp? KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud MOM: A generator? For what? KID: To charge our iPods
@Laser_Cat: I'm sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I'm only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
@yonewt: In the movies, anyone can hotwire a car in 10 seconds. In real life, it takes me 20 minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental.