this has done me in for some reason
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Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.