this has done me in for some reason
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it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you