I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
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[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.