This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
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A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Ironic
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose