This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
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I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS