This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
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Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Just parrot things
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Just why bro?!
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
The news in a nutshell.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.