This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
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Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you