This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
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[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
our love story in four pictures
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.