This headline is a thing of beauty
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The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard