I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
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Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.