@Parker_Simpson: this Holiday Inn has their flag at half mast...I'm assuming one of their guests died overnight
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@Reverend_Scott: *rubs magic lamp, genie appears* "You get 2 wishes." I wish I got 3 wishes. "Your wish is granted." Nice, nice. "You have 2 left."
@deardilettante: I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Why were you speeding? Me: SHE'S IN LABOR! Cop: That's a beach ball in a wig. Me: Cop: Me: I don't think I'm the father. Cop: Get out.