Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
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drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.