Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
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*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
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