@Only_Fast_Eddie: This hot fudge sundae hasn't killed me so it must be making me stronger.
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@trojansauce: [rap battle] *drops the mic* *scrambles around trying to pick up the mic* [20min earlier] *other guy covering my mic in butter*
@qwajo_jnr: You know that moment when you close a cupboard and hear something fall? That's the sound of someone else's problem
@GrantTanaka: Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you? Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
@tacsanitchiban: Whenever someone says "let's get weird" my first thought is "I'm already there"