@chairmanMAO_92: This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said "I didn't know Pink used her last name as well" Now she's dead
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@thenatewolf: *At a party* STRANGER: Are you that guy who brags about weird shit? ME: No I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the city.
@Spaziotwat: Man: Who are you? God: Your god. Man: What's your name? God: I can't tell you. Man: No way! God: Jahweh! Man: God: Doh!
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Where were you supposed to poop? 2-year-old: The potty. Me: So why didn’t you? 2: I’m too busy.