This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
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Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
based al yankovic
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”