@chairmanMAO_92: This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said "I didn't know Pink used her last name as well" Now she's dead
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@BlazedDonuts: Apple: Words with Friends Twitter: Words w strangers FB: Words w relatives Ouija: Words w dead friends Prayer: Words w imaginary friends
@Discourt: My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn't let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
@TheTweetOfGod: With God all things are possible; but with money all things are probable. And with a good accountant, they're all deductible.
@NicestHippo: Don't worry about choosing between a job you love & one that pays money because you won't be able to find either