This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
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I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!