I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
You Might Also Like
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
do u think theres a butter planet?
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
who called it hell and not heaven’t
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.