Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
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Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Still a very good boi….
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !