Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Pandas 🐼🖤
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.