This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
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My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”