This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
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Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”